I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I put in a tampon while driving a moving vehicle. I feel like this is simultaneously a new low and the sort of feat that deserves a merit badge.
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
