Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
You made me pull over because you thought a leaf was a twenty rolling across the road.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I met a bunch of Germans and said in german "this is for the fatherland" and poured a beer on my head
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
fyi: first time in five days i havent washed my birth control down with liquor. when are we going out tonight?
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
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