3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
I think my whole family judged my ability to change under a blanket.
In a moving vehicle and other people in the car
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
We got stuck in traffic in the tunnel while we were smoking weed. We were afraid to air out the car.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
Just paid for birth control in all ones do you think she is judging me?
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