i have the juiciest gold medal in my pants
I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.
I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
NO I FORBID YOU. THERE ARE BETTER VIRGINITIES OUT THERE WORTH KIDNAPPING.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
There's a man with a stuffed dog and a can of dog food on the L. Should I break it to him?
Best not to. Some people need their delusions.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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