i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air
Yes. Ice cream tacos are an important aspect in the bridge of friendship
Alcohol and IMDB don't always mix with 100% accuracy
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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