so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
No...this little piggys going to the bar
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
That awkward moment when you hear your boss yelling during sex while you're on her couch eating Easy Mac.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
Randomize
