Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
We were just sitting together and this guy walks up to us and says, "you ladies are drinking too slow", puts a 5 dollar bill on the table and just leaves the bar. Helloooo Taco Bell
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I always knew ther was a reason why we're best friends
Obvs our love of drugs
I like to think of it more as our love of curiosity
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