Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
He rode my dog to the bathroom and wouldn't stop laughing once he got in. It was scary.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Also, what is a socially acceptable way to introduce a crossbow in public?
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
You can't honestly expect me to maintain an erection when you have the Glen Beck show on
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
i like him enough to wash my sheets.. but not enough to finally get that pink lemonade and vodka slushy stain out of my carpet
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
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