the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
Randomize
