Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
I woke up naked in this guys bed and the first thing I start saying is it's super bowl Sunday like I was yelling
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
I WANT TO JUMP IN TO A VOLCANO
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
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