I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
Well I just put wine in my tea
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
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