Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I mean like, my liver will beg my brain for mercy. Brainll be like I'm Greg Jennings. Liverll be like I'm Darren Sharper. Brainll be like hold my diiiiick.
The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories
Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences
great clearly means different things to us
I'm beginning to think the entirety of my appeal is due to the size of my ass.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
