then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I'm asking you this because you're my dad....is coke a drug I should try?
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
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