i'm so desperate for a drink right now i looked up the recipe to make pruno
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
We call it "Dishes: Hard Mode". Basically whoever is doing dishes gets head but needs to finish the dishes before they cum.
And so far nothing been broken!
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
Last night was like blooper reel sex. He dropped me!!
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
He stopped mid sex to say he was sorry that he couldn't make us work.continued. Stopped again to ask if it was crazy that he loved me.
That is not what no strings attached sex is about.
Randomize
