its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
your love of good penises attached to ugly faces is disgusting and slightly disturbing.
You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Me and dad were just reflecting on that time he found a gas mask bong in the backyard.
Randomize
