Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just want to meet a nice normal guy that doesn't want me to taze him while we have sex. . . . .is that too much to ask for?
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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