Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
THERE ARE SO MANY ALCOHOLS IN MY BLOOD RIGHT NOW
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
Randomize
