Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Do toy wanna orseer frim onedof tjose plaves? Sry textimg with globes on
Gloves*
Out of all the words to correct, you chose gloves??
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
