i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Randomize
