my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Well I either feel like the fat girl or very accomplished because his bed is now broken in three places
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
