Your tits are I can't wait for
And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
An we can hold bottles of vodka in our hands singing yo ho a pirates life for me
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
Randomize
