3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
My fall semester strategy is to submit my papers with a nude selfie
You've got post-grad studies written all over you
I just hooked up with a one legged Australian guy. Hooray diversity!
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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