Besides Rainforest Cafe, there's nowhere i'd rather be intoxicated than here
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
For the amount I put out, I should be going on way more dates.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
The hot streak continues..if life was NBA jams i would be "on fire" right now
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
Well you went to the bar with your crutches last night & everyone including the DJ started chanting "put your crutches in the air"
Randomize
