We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
Cool. I might be making a sickly but incredibly well dressed wine drunk appearance in a couple hours
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
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