My pee smelled like sake this morning it was sooo disgusting.
Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
