no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Just pure bliss will emerge from Charles, my tranny bong.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
I did a line off of, and then danced on top of a table older than this country.
Harvard is great.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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