My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I drew a nude short fat middle aged woman today and liked it
It was honestly one of my favorite days in art class except for the 20 min she faced me and kept looking at me and we made eye contact
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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