Is it normal to miss your booty call?
Hey its my first time.
I think you mean "it's my first time"
I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Hah, I lost the lenses in my glasses, didn't event notice til this morning... How was the meeting?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
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