I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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