i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
As it turns out, drunk trust falling that guy at the top of the waterslide didn't really work out for anyone..
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
If anyone ask I'm rushing for brotherhood, not so that this bartender will suck my dick
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Randomize
