she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I sat on my couch last night watching What Women Want, eating ice cream, and sobbing "why doesn't she like me?" Why was I born a man?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I'm eating taquitos in the bathtub at 5:30 am. What a great end to the night
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
i have pictures frm only 4 hours ago that will fucking ruin you so i suggest yuo come get me.
Where are you?
dunno. ask mike. bring pain killers. and underwear. and my dignity.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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