I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
He was in me and said I can't believe this happened because of facebook. MOOD KILLER.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
He somehow managed to bang-mail me last night. I woke up this morning to a voicemail from 1:54 a.m. of moaning and screaming. I now know how talented he is and how annoying I am to have sex with.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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