She just used a chaser for red wine.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
Wearing rip off pants to a booty call last night was one of my most brilliant ideas ever.
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
The only thing he told me before he passed out was that he is from Buffalo and I'm a bitch.
You're the only person I know who's experienced a micropenis and a magnum XL penis
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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