Need sex. Gaining weight.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
there is partying, then there is whatever we did last night.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Randomize
