You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
i found waldo and immediately set him to work eating me out. please have more out of season costume parties.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
