if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
Dude, you can't even imagine the trip, I actually thought that there were Care Bears sitting next to me at the bar, I'm pretty sure I started hitting on the pink one.
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
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