Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.
I saw him coke blaxckout on the subway at 9 this morning yelling at people callig himself the gatekeeper.
I need a burrito and a hug.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
You put your finger on my lips and told me 'the butt is nature's pocket'.
I don't remember that at all, but I stand by what I said
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
I might be a bit longer... I found a hot guy at the grocery store, so I'm following him and buying stuff that he's buying
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