I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Is "incoherent" a legit goal to strive for tonight? Or should I stay sober enough to fuck who I can?
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
