I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
Everyone was in jail by 10:30. I'd say it was a successful bachelor party.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
She just asked what would happen if you put a vacuum in your butt and turned it on. These are our conversations.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Randomize
