i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Randomize
