We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
I woke up with glitter in my wounds.
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
So was I the only one that was competing in the whale hunt?
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
All his ex-girlfriends are delicate flowers, tho. And I'm like a trash compactor.
I wouldn't worry about it. You know what they say, THICK THIGHS MAKE THE DICK RISE.
After I asked for my 6th Gin & Tonic, the look on the flight attendant's face started to make me feel bad about myself.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
