She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just living on dreams and a bed of used condoms
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I have to shave my legs first. I'm afraid tiny woodland creatures will fly out if he tries touches them.
Yeah but if you conceived a child on a park slide that would be pretty awesome
I don't trust my subconscious. It sleeps with my exboyfriend sometimes.
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
The dog destroyed my vibrator and swallowed several pieces. Vet gave us a laxative so now I’m checking lots of dog shit and having no orgasms. Plus the cute vet knows I don’t get enough dick, so that’s just great
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