i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
The chances of me making out with someone next weekend are about the same as me not remembering it.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
Randomize
