The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
