I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
We're too lazy to do dishes, so we're making sangria in a flower vase.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
Can vaginas get frostbite?
Happy Thanksgiving! Hope its not too awkward that your dad and your boyfriend are the same age.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
And god said thou shalt never deny free booze. And it was good.
You're a FUCKING ASSHOLE. Love mom
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