I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
I passed out on my porch last night. I'm still making it to class. This is what growing up means.
Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
this is getting really bad. i thought the chandelier in the dining room was one of those claws from the claw games in an arcade and i spent the past five minutes jumping left to right so the claw wouldn't grab me
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
The picture on Facebook I was just tagged in, with the mask, that is the definition of Carmen, my drunk alter ego
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
I just offered a cat a "drinky drinky" I'd say my night has started
He does have a nice smile. I also like to think he has a nice penis, but that's just a prediction.
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
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