I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.
are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?
I rubbed his back while he puked for an hour and then ended up getting laid when I tried to put him to bed, best puke and rally I've ever seen.
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
Girl you know I'm an advocate of debauchery but you might wanna check yoself.
Meeting up with one of your students at your drug dealers house is always an awkward moment
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
