Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Me hangover (as projected). That sounds like a plan. Ill do it for Mexico
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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