Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
A gentleman never tells..... therefore i will neither confirm nor deny the attatched photos
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Drinking wine from a straw at 6:15 in the morning. This is what college does to people.
I have so many feelings about this burrito
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
Because talking after sexting is equivalent to cuddling after sex
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Randomize
