are you still at the devil's house?
it hurts more in the daytime
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Her hotness level dropped from an 8 to a 2 as soon as I walked into her place. It REEKED of cat piss and there was no litter box and NO CATS.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
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