it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
sometimes i wish i could find another girl that loves my dick as much as she does
i feel like she has dreams of it being like a person saying hey lets go play
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I just got home and someone ate all my chicken nuggets. Bitches be asking for a death sentence?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Randomize
